the worst possible has occured.

ivaninho to vanified to vandezous

yeap yeap, a new journey begins at...

vandezvous.blogspot.com

=)

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

hello world. just got home from a good half an hour in the car. got pretty bored at home and decided to train on my parallel parking. something i haven't done since the mount faber incident. haha. so yea, weekends finally here, nothing great actually. anyways, went school training today, that's all my day was. boring days. like i said, holidays are redundant without you and friday nights are sucky without you.

Oh, and everybody's talking,
in words I don't understand

You've got to be the only one,
who knows just who I am

You're shining in the distance,
I hope I can make it through

Because the only place I want to be,
is right back home with you

mahjong session and champions league night at jing's yesterday. got home only at like 6-ish this morning and continued to watch the arsenal penalty shootout. slept in, woke up late and another day just passes rotting at home. of course the best part was the webcam session with fanglynn! haha, so fun. missing you dear.

You've got to give me everything
Nothing less cause
You know I give you all of me

Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don't ever wanna have to go & give you up

I want to make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time?
Baby if we're gonna do it, come on do it right

i realise how i have neglected so many friends over the past year or so and i don't have many of them left. i don't know if it's jet lag or what, but i feel really terrible being stucked at home. it's like so boring and lonely. to make things worse, i have developed this habit of waking up super early in the morning and not go back to sleep. oh wells. picked leon up this morning with the intention to collect pay from the office only to realize that it is closed. sucks man. haha.

exam results are out. hmm.

school holidays are redundant without you.

i was sharing what true love really is...

★avril says:
can u share with me what abt true love that u know?
what matters is the end. says:
simple
what matters is the end. says:
if you truely love someone, you want that person to be happy, no matter what
★avril says:
uh huh
what matters is the end. says:
that's all
★avril says:
even at ur expense of being unhappy and sad?
what matters is the end. says:
if the person you love is happy at the expense of you being sad
what matters is the end. says:
it's not true love, it's just love
what matters is the end. says:
coz true love is..as long as that person is happy
what matters is the end. says:
you are happy too
what matters is the end. says:
like sincerely happy, not fake one
★avril says:
hmm ok
★avril says:
i get it now
what matters is the end. says:
even if it means the person not being with you
what matters is the end. says:
you will still be happy as long as the person is happy
what matters is the end. says:
it can mean anything
what matters is the end. says:
even if the person take knife stab you
what matters is the end. says:
and that person happy
what matters is the end. says:
you also will be happy
what matters is the end. says:
it's that extreme depending on how true is your love
★avril says:
so if i let someone be happy at the expense of me crying my eyes out,tts not true love?
what matters is the end. says:
yup
what matters is the end. says:
it's just feeling sore
what matters is the end. says:
it's more like..obsession, not love
★avril says:
so if i want tt person to be happy
★avril says:
i must be happy
★avril says:
so if im not
★avril says:
then im doing it for the sake of it
what matters is the end. says:
yea
what matters is the end. says:
and i tell you, dont worry if you are not happy
what matters is the end. says:
true love is very very very hard to find
what matters is the end. says:
some ppl live their lives without finding it
★avril says:
ya i agree
what matters is the end. says:
yeap
what matters is the end. says:
and when you find it, you may not necessarily be able to hold it
★avril says:
unless u're really able to fight for it
what matters is the end. says:
yea, but sometimes when you fight too hard, it may make the person unhappy
what matters is the end. says:
then you wont be happy, and wont wanna do it anymore coz u want the person to be happy
★avril says:
tricky
what matters is the end. says:
tricky la
what matters is the end. says:
true love..you can hold on to it..only if it's mutual..
what matters is the end. says:
true love doesnt mean two ppl love each other..
what matters is the end. says:
it can also mean only one party loves the other
what matters is the end. says:
so if you think you've found true love but you're not able to hold it..
what matters is the end. says:
do all you can behind the scenes to make your true love happy
what matters is the end. says:
maybe help him find another girl that will make him really happy
what matters is the end. says:
or just be a nice friend to him..like a guardian angel kinda thing
★avril says:
i guess
★avril says:
tt requires effort and courage
★avril says:
sth big to handle
what matters is the end. says:
nope, if it's true love..you will do it with a breeze..

loving and wanting is seperated by a thin line. do you love someone or want someone? it's different. i've found true love but don't have it yet, have you?

kids these days. sorry, i'm not the least bit affected.

so i took the really dumb picture above on sunday. had met ziyang and sijia on that night for simpang prata and a chit chat session. the picture above is actually the moon. haha. because i remembered on saturday night in melbourne i saw the moon and now in singapore i see the moon, i realize it's the same moon though melbourne is so far away. i'm fascinated by the size of the moon, think i'm a retard.

baby, same moon yet miles apart.

alright, so the above picture was taken last night when i'm out with my boys. linger, i miss the night we came here to attempt to hold the singapore flyer with our fingers and trying to eat it up too. remember?

so yes, a secret rendezvous with my boys again last night. this time, we did a really stupid thing again. the last one, we ended up sweating like shit coz of the playground at pasir ris park. this time it was sweaty too. can't take it, my boys are just too sporty. told them a million times, when we go out, we must wear nike/adidas. hahaha.

alright, before the stupid thing, we enjoyed good supper as usual at bedok 85. then after that it was off to marina barrage and the sweaty part begins. first, we climbed up this bloody roof of this sail looking thing, we really looked like heroes but sadly, a good camera wasn't around. then we decided we were not heroes enough, we decided to go stand at the ledge of the building, like a suicide looking thing. it was fucking scary i swear, plus the strong winds, gosh.

you see, this is the problem with us. we stand there and look like heroes but we really have nothing to gain. but we still do it. let's stop this next time okay? ugh. so yea, after all these heroic stuff, the really sweat part begins. we played human chess on this tiled floor followed by everyone's childhood favourite, ice and water!! i feel quite ashamed saying this. who plays ice and water at marina barrage at the wee hours of like 3am. gosh.

then it was story-telling time before something really cool happened. the utilities board decided to open the barrage to let water out. gosh, it was the coolest thing ever. firstly, loud sirens were sounded followed by warning messages. flood lights were on too. for one moment, we though singapore is going to get invaded and bombed by some stupid country. so yes, the barrage lowered, water gushed out and stuff. it's a really rare thing that happens, so we were lucky to be able to witness it.

yuquan, leon and jing had a talk on uni selection. i really envy and thought a lot last night. oh wells, i'm pretty happy with what i am now. so yea, no regrets.

this date next month. come home soon, i miss.

Its always been a mystery to me,
How two hearts can come together,
And love can last forever.
But now that I have found you I believe,
That a miracle has come when God sends the perfect one.
So gone are all my questions about why,
And i've never been so sure of anything in my life

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because He made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me.

I'm Home.

Do you know what it feels like?
So many things within I choose to hide.

Now I'll do whatever it takes.
Because I know what I want.

I believe.

Love remains the same
Forever and ever.

coz when God created you, He was thinking of me. vice versa.

it's strange. today i bought you roses, i even brought you to a local carnival. well, moments ago, i finally understand what is true love. it really really is about seeing your other half happy or do well whatever it takes. even if you are at a disadvantage just to make your other half happy, you will be happy too. i dare say i know what love is all about, i am willing to share, feel free to ask me more.

therefore...instead of the 15th...

IVAN IS COMING BACK TO SINGAPORE TOMORROW! =)

and all the signs were so clear, but i was in self-denial.

moments ago, the truth was revealed.

it's over, really over.

how did someone you know for a month destroy everything we had.

it's not anger, but disappointment.

perhaps a little of disgust and disbelief.

i was wrong about you or anything, so wrong. i'm so traumatized.

sadly, i still love you and can't forget what we shared.

i don't regret asking you to study in melbourne, it's the best option for your future.

i want to see you successful and happy.

study hard.

i badly need someone by and on my side now.

i hate melbourne.

ivan the cuckold wants to go home.

finally a pretty proper day in melbourne. so yea, woke up in the morning and headed with fanglynn to her school to crash her boring lecture. then it was off to queen victoria market, the one i visited on my second day here. cool stuff, bought fruits and food there to eat. roast chicken! so yea, it's a really impressive market, i'll upload pics when i find the energy to do so.

then we headed shopping! bought lots of food again and shit, i think melbourne is adding on the calories to my body. so yea. really fun day out and lots to see. like i said, pictures soon. then headed to her school to watch her friends fence, yea, those guys. coolios. then it was off to this little italian area in melbourne. had best desserts in the world there. yes, pictures soon.

then sat awhile in a pretty park before coming back. okay, here's come the exciting part, there's a tremor in melbourne like second ago, this one is really bad, the whole place was shaking i swear. i think i'm scared. haha.

okay, i shall stop blogging about my day. now to the exciting part that everyone is waiting in anticipation ever since i set foot in melbourne. today i'm calm and composed. today, like one of the worst things but i'm so proud of myself. here's the thing, we kiss, hug and hold each other when we're alone but when your friends pop out, you push my hands away! woohoo! like, whee!

now here comes the best part. so the bastard dropped a sms to you saying, "are you together with ivan?". your answer was, "nope!". WHEEEEEEE to that! i got nothing more to say.

anyways, i really enjoyed my day with you.

it's 11.30pm on a thursday in singapore but 2.30am here in melbourne on a friday.

#1 you admit he is competition. it would make me feel more secure if you were to say he is never close to being a competitor.

#2 "should i be with someone i love but irritates me or be with someone i might fall in love with but feel more relaxed with" found this line on your blog, i think i'm the first person mentioned, who's the second? you're actually even considering. cool shit.

#3 if a girl webcams with a long-time-no-see friend, i understand. but if a girl webcams with a male schoolmate she sees almost everyday means? oh ya, you did it when i was just in the opposite room, sensitive much. caught you! =P

and i thought today would be different from the past few days.

i always thought i had to overcome you, now it seems i have to overcome myself.

Random photos of Melbourne so far...

view from outside my window.

their fresh market over here.

cafes that line the streets.

some humble looking shops.

old cathedrals.

some blahblahblah centre.

melbourne cricket ground. 6 floodlights, so imagine the size of it.

Melbourne Park, home of the Australian Open.

the famous Rod Laver Arena.

one of the other courts outside Rod Laver Arena.

champions walk: a showcase of all the winners of various years.

river with water.

nice banana coloured building.

more cathedrals, Amen.

just got back from meeting shanti, should have come here right after Os, she's like doing her second year in university now. ugh, too late. oh ya, i'm really excited about the gay scene here, shall find time to go check it out if i can, it sounds really cool.

bought pizza on the way back for lunch, it's really nice, packed with all the ingredients. coolios. so yea, lunch alone again today. haha. melbourne weather is really strange, the rain pattern especially. super weird and did i mention how cold it is here? goodness me, i did not bring any long sleeves and even brought lots of berms. zz.

since the day i stepped foot here, you haven't failed to meet him everyday. i just realized i'm facing competition, stiff one. ugh.

after much thinking, i realize that you do not need me anymore, you can live happily without me, in fact, you'll be happier without me. i'm at such a loss, nobody understands.

i spent the day at home cooking a chinese meal today. besides that i was just lazing around and eating snacks due to a swollen eye. haha, i can cook! goodness me. otherwise it was a pretty boring day. oh ya, shall go eat subway tomorrow or something, it's really cheap here compared to singapore.

oh wells, there's something new in melbourne everyday. the jacket thing i mentioned in yesterday's post. today, i realised that the owner of the jacket has his named saved under the Favourites category in your phone, cool stuff, even cooler coz he is the only contact saved there. i also realized that he gets to touch your phone when i don't, too cool. i love melbourne.

how does a friend/schoolmate for a month overtake me?

walked the streets of melbourne today before heading out with fanglynn to meet her schoolmates for dinner at nando's, some nice chicken place, as in grilled chicken kinda fast food thing. so yea, i walked almost the whole city today, it's a pretty small city. headed to the fresh market in the morning, really huge place, then to some shopping centres. saw many nice heritage buildings, cathedrals and all that stuff.

well, highlight of the day would be my visit to rod laver arena, home of the australian open. it's a really beautiful ground for sports, tennis in particular. cool stuff. so yea, took some pictures today, shall post it up when i'm not feeling lazy. it's like 8-ish in singapore and 11-ish here, waiting for everyone to come online. oh ya, lots of havaianas here and a really huge mooks store. haha.

oh, remember the two guys mentioned in my post yesterday? one of them left his jacket here last night and right now she's wearing it, cool. whee! love melbourne, love myself.

not too long ago, i arrived at melbourne. took a cab to your apartment expecting to see you receive me at the lobby but didn't. went up to your unit and realized you have two guys over at your place for dinner. cool stuff. what a grand reception, a little too grand for me to take i guess. is there no better day to have two guys at your dinner than when the night i arrive? oh wells, two weeks in melbourne begins now. time difference of +3 is weird, melbourne city looks like a nice place though.

but i wanna go home.

breakfasted with sijia and ziyang this morning at macs, pretty stupid, sleeping seemed better. anyways, morning soccer was cancelled due to the rain but soccer in the afternoon with yuquan and fjc resumed despite the pouring rain. haha, so fun, been long since i played out in the rain and got all drenched. so yea, yuquan the biker rode me home in the rain after the match, it was like riding through the ocean. haha. melbourne tomorrow, i'm excited! =D

coz if they run their mouths and brag about this secret rendezvous...
(boys, please tag what comes next)

so yesterday after visiting the tailor with my classmates and having lunch together, i went to meet the boys for dinner at changing appetites, the mudpie is mad by the way. haha, but i still feel that the island creamery one is better. so yea, all travelled back to my home to get the car and embarked on our secret rendezvous which nobody hunted us down.

as usual, adventure of 1958, we went to a few cool streets to see balloons which were so beautiful before heading to a jungle, up a hill, the haunted red house and finally settling down at pasir ris park. i think for the type of adventures we always have, it's time to get a jeep or a 4WD, the typical average car just won't do. hahaha. so yea, when we got to pasir ris park, we conquered the playground, spider web, flying fox and everything that i'm scared of. lol.

then came the emo period at the breakwaters. i think james blunt is good. then we happily went home, happily, i think. we are having one more secret rendezvous tonight, hunt us down.

good or bad, this was where it all began.

last minute decision to meet chenziyang last night to play pool at katong. he's just a pro, he can spin the ball, jump the ball and do all sorts of weird things luh. dammit, jealous, wanna learn. went for supper after that at 85. gonna leave to meet my classmates soon to visit the tailor and maybe have lunch together. byebye world.

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you, or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

It's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

everybody's guitar hero

so yea, went to town last night with chenziyang and tansijia. went to cine to play wii and i swear it's way better than xbox or playstation. so wanna buy one soon, my next target. hahaha. then went to slack a little before taking the last train to jing's to meet up with the boys for some xbox fun and watch champions league together. super tiring, only got home at 6am this morning then slept a little before heading to open num bugis alone again today just like yesterday. super duper tiring day, lack of sleep man.

I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now.

ya, work was that boring that i made two new friends called rainbow bear A and rainbow bear B. hahaha. so yes, for the first time in my num life, i opened a whole store on my own, at bugis, so yea, you can imagine what a hassle it is to go to the toilet. anyways, things got cooler when joanfong came over for lunch and then another colleague came in the afternoon.


so yes, very very boring and tiring day of work. walked around with joanfong a little after work to get some stuff for melbourne. anyway, gonna head to town now to meet chenziyang and my classmate! byebye everyone!